This Is The Part Where…

It was bound to happen. The next chapter was going to be written. As for the details, the additions to the misery and/or joy are of the customary kind. The stage was set for the plot to change. That’s how I view life. It took me a very long time to actually believe that bullshit.
But as I grew older I began to not only comprehend living but also to have experienced some.
Life thus far has been a total trip. When I look back on all that stuff I did. Places I went. People I’ve met, whom I may never meet again, that will forever mold my existence. For better or worse. Memories are interesting because they creep up on you. They appear though different faces. They exist in the most random of circumstances.
Life for me has been an unscripted off the cuff fly by night adventure/romance with the ridiculous elements that hit close to home in every twisted up and/or beautiful way. Mostly I’ve laughed. At least for the last ten years I’ve laughed. And through all the pain and tears and general all around suckiness, I laughed quite a bit. I see my daughters growing up and it is amazing. It is weird and very scary to even possibly imagine, me, girl with the docudrama past could ever keep two human beings alive for 9 years. It is a miracle. They are miracles. And they taught me how to laugh. And dream. Sometimes in life I now realize, after years of gut wrenching bullshit painful insane research, that not much matters in life except how you handle life. People will leave, they will die. Your heart will break. For some this happens often. You will have a job change, a kid, a mortgage… Whatever it is, can you deal with it?
Figure out where that thing inside of lies and go with it. Just try. Life is full of mistakes. But the victories are so very sweet. And the victories make memories. Memories are interesting because they creep up on you. They appear though different faces. They exist in the most random of circumstances.
Dreams can be real, you know.
It’s just a matter of figuring out your dream and going with it.

Living In This Body

It’s become very apparent to me the exact nature of one’s actions is virtually unknown in origin. Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves or someone else. Sometimes we lie to get away with something. Sometimes we lie because we can’t think of the truth, or that the truth is not that interesting…

It is the human condition that is fallible, you know? Not the human. If we go against societal norms even just a little we might be ostracized or punished. Though usually it is in our own heads this occurs. As a society of hate mongering war children who know nothing truly except to win at everything and destroy those on our paths in the name of “civilized society” we are taught to believe that being a certain kind of person is the only way to be. And where does all of this go? Finance, Romance, and Security.

For everyone of the three things will build us up or destroy us at every turn.We cannot live with or without some kind of aspect of all these things, and it is amazing to watch man inevitably tear his soul to shreds for one or all of these things. I too have my battles with external forces. I too fear I will not have enough or that what I have may be taken. It is human to be breakable. But being broken does not mean you’re trash. Being broken simply means there might be a way to be fixed.

Like that saying goes “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, well by design a human can fix him or her self. Being breakable does not mean you will break but when you do, you can heal.

Sometimes late at night after I write all the important stuff for the day, fool around on Face Book, fuck off a little more, I get to this point of exhaustion that leaves me almpost over the edge of paradoxical thinking and emptimindedness, though, in my case, “non-thinking” is almost an impossibility. So instead I think about the people in my life and what characters they are. The musicians and the bar staff, the friends at the pizza joint, the brothers I have with or wothout arms. The lovers, the past ones, the future ones, the children, the movies the life experiences.You know, the things that make life happen.

And I wonder why people are so afraid. And how did they get where they are? And why I am not afraid. I know the path I have walked down is not for the faint of heart, but let’s face it, at least it wasn’t rally like walking, I was usually dancing, really.

Maybe that’s a glass half full kind of deal, but man, is there really any other way?

Words On A Page

I admit. I have opinions based solely on fiction. I have non opinions when I should give a shit, and freak out in my head over the most asinine reasons.
I am awkwardly sexy and idiotically brilliant. And some also say strangely funny. I have been told many, many times I think too much, and that I make no sense, though most people who read my posts are humored and moved often in the same paragraph.
It’s not because I’m special. It’s not because my writing is considered works of mastery or genius. Im not even good at catching typos, though I’ve been saying for years I need an editor. People don’t read my dribble because I’m brilliant. They read it because they get it.
I may not be a lot of things but the main focus of this blog is humanity.
Universal truths spill out of my writing and grab you. Because you too have lost your keys while already running late because instead of showering right away you fuck off on Facebook or watch the next segment of the morning show.
You too have dilly dallied playing music on your iPod, or computer only to look up and you have twenty minutes to get thirty minutes away. You have left your wallet on the table or your lunch on the counter. Your kids (or friends kids) have mutilated most rooms in the house and after cleaning it over and over you have finally given up until they’re 12. You have lost your pet.
You have been in love, and certainly in lust.
You have cried when your loved one died and had no idea when the tears would stop. You too have hurt so deeply from a broken heart.
I have never claimed to be any kind of authority on anything, though I have expertise in the promotions and marketing industry, and once upon a time I thought, like all of you, that I knew so much more that I do today… But I’m still affected by gas hikes, rain storms, house fires, lost luggage, broken dishes after moving, stopped up plumbing, broken appliances, sick animals and babies.
If you haven’t realized it yet I am no body in particular but by being a person among people I can sometimes speak for those who don’t know what to say but definitely feel what it means to live in what writer call the ‘human condition’. I feel too.
This blog post is dedicated to all of you who struggle and make the best out of what life offers you,-even if you made the worst out of it once or twice. This post is dedicated to your soul.
And when I write again I will have something to say or nothing to say but someone out there will get it.
Sometimes I think I’m just writing for myself, and that’s true one one level. But then I realize for some weird reason people are reading this and my hope is that they remember something or someone or forget something or someone, whichever the case may be for just a brief moment. And in that moment they take a little walk with me on my journey and realize everything will be alright. And they get one step closer to that epiphany they too are searching for. You know the one.
The one where everything was alright all along. That’s my life most days. I’m not alone here, I am, however, words on a page. Maybe one day I’ll be your words even when I’m mine.

I Chose This. I Think?

It has been one hell of a 2012.
Here is it Easter and I just now stopped to really think and feel some things.
See, I work a lot. I use it to run away as well as run toward everything in life. I’m afraid not to be busy. I fear that the tears will fall and everyone will know I’m affected deeply by all the loss.
Many people in my life make jokes because they don’t know what else to say. Some of them even talk when I am not there, in what I would consider unflattering and hurtful ways. It is painful to feel so different, though in most circumstances I would never be bothered about being different. It is what makes me successful. At least outwardly. But some things out of some mouths sting in such a way that I wish upon no one.
I believe in grace, though I have had very little in life these days. I find myself attracted to people who can and will never satisfy what I truly desire. I think it’s another way to run away. To know off the bat that things just won’t work out for whatever detailed purpose of unavailability inserted here.
I believe in love,I just don’t believe it believes in me, though I love so deeply when I do.
It’s Easter 2012.
First quarter over. Wow, for one thing I never thought I’d live this long, be a mother, and in a career I might have never guessed.
And alone.
I’m not necessarily talking about romantic stuff, but that too is real. And disheartening, but that’s just a drop in the bucket really.
But I’m talking about the aloneness that creeps up on you and finds its way to your heart after years of consecutive deaths, loss, and struggle. And all the while being okay with it all. At least most of the time. Most of the time I don’t cry. I don’t sulk. I don’t grieve. For me, this blog is and has been a way to work stuff out and hopefully be funny at the same time. To be thoughtful, heartfelt; human…
-Though sometimes I believe that people don’t understand what I write or they understand too well. I’ve always known I’m not for everyone but the kid in me sure wants to try sometimes.
I’m alone because I miss those past. Especially today, as for some a joyous day and a symbol of a new beginning and life eternal. Today I went to celebrate this holiday with my family and some key people were missing. They were gone. For them they are now with their maker and there is peace in that.
For me? Well, I have very little peace because I want them back. I want them to talk to though I took their lives for granted. Just like I take mine some days. And just like people take me for granted.
Living in a world of selfishness all around me those I choose to try and know and those I think I do know must also deal with their own time on this earth.
I’m alone because I have not found purpose. I’m alone because I chose it long ago, or it may have chosen me.
I’m alone because I am alone.
I’m sad today but that feeling will go away. But tomorrow when I wake up and do all I need to do and work and try and reach out to some. And try and avoid others I will still be alone.
The thing I need to learn how to do is be okay with that.

The Destination

Plans are funny things because every time I make them the universe has other ideas. Every time I think I have a clue about my life and the direction it may go something else steps in and humbles me in such a way that I am reminded that plans are futile.
I rarely plan trips, though I have a destination in mind usually, but not necessarily. I have had the most memorable life experiences just getting in the car and going. I’ve even gone to the bus station and simply picked the next bus by its departure time.
I rarely plan my day, though that’s likely due to my disorganization and refusal to get too ‘stuck’ in one thing or other. Now of course I do plan my work stuff, but I’ve chosen a profession that calls for a large amount of flexibility while staying organized. For someone like me it’s paradise, though there are definite times when “proper planning prevents poor performance”…
I never plan relationships. Let’s face it, I don’t even realize half the time someone is interested in me unless they stick their tongue down my throat or something equivalent. This, however, is and has been a double edged sword at times, I mean, I have ended up in some very interesting situations as a result of the no planning thing. In truth though I don’t really regret any of it/them. It is nice to say that and mean it, haha!
I do like some structure, believe me. I am definitely not some floating flake of a girl wandering from one town to the next, one bed to the next, one life to the next. I am just fascinated with the level at which we humans operate while attempting to contain life. I have three calendars to keep up with things, a smart phone, a journal, a notebook, and many recorded notes to keep track of things in my work and life. I do this because it is imperative I keep up with things and my personal weakness is memory. My attention span is low and truthfully I write this blog because it helps me to focus my thinking for small periods of time and get this nonsense out of my brain to make room for more nonsense. Oh, and and sometimes it’s funny. Even when it’s sad I can always look back a laugh about my process.
In the Divine world I tend to live on the seeking side of spiritual matters. Not that I haven found shat works for me, I have. And for me, planning my entire life takes away from the gifts and experiences I receive when I wander off the beaten path.
And it is good. And most often times brings me to my destination which is inevitably the journey.