Living In This Body

It’s become very apparent to me the exact nature of one’s actions is virtually unknown in origin. Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves or someone else. Sometimes we lie to get away with something. Sometimes we lie because we can’t think of the truth, or that the truth is not that interesting…

It is the human condition that is fallible, you know? Not the human. If we go against societal norms even just a little we might be ostracized or punished. Though usually it is in our own heads this occurs. As a society of hate mongering war children who know nothing truly except to win at everything and destroy those on our paths in the name of “civilized society” we are taught to believe that being a certain kind of person is the only way to be. And where does all of this go? Finance, Romance, and Security.

For everyone of the three things will build us up or destroy us at every turn.We cannot live with or without some kind of aspect of all these things, and it is amazing to watch man inevitably tear his soul to shreds for one or all of these things. I too have my battles with external forces. I too fear I will not have enough or that what I have may be taken. It is human to be breakable. But being broken does not mean you’re trash. Being broken simply means there might be a way to be fixed.

Like that saying goes “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, well by design a human can fix him or her self. Being breakable does not mean you will break but when you do, you can heal.

Sometimes late at night after I write all the important stuff for the day, fool around on Face Book, fuck off a little more, I get to this point of exhaustion that leaves me almpost over the edge of paradoxical thinking and emptimindedness, though, in my case, “non-thinking” is almost an impossibility. So instead I think about the people in my life and what characters they are. The musicians and the bar staff, the friends at the pizza joint, the brothers I have with or wothout arms. The lovers, the past ones, the future ones, the children, the movies the life experiences.You know, the things that make life happen.

And I wonder why people are so afraid. And how did they get where they are? And why I am not afraid. I know the path I have walked down is not for the faint of heart, but let’s face it, at least it wasn’t rally like walking, I was usually dancing, really.

Maybe that’s a glass half full kind of deal, but man, is there really any other way?

Words On A Page

I admit. I have opinions based solely on fiction. I have non opinions when I should give a shit, and freak out in my head over the most asinine reasons.
I am awkwardly sexy and idiotically brilliant. And some also say strangely funny. I have been told many, many times I think too much, and that I make no sense, though most people who read my posts are humored and moved often in the same paragraph.
It’s not because I’m special. It’s not because my writing is considered works of mastery or genius. Im not even good at catching typos, though I’ve been saying for years I need an editor. People don’t read my dribble because I’m brilliant. They read it because they get it.
I may not be a lot of things but the main focus of this blog is humanity.
Universal truths spill out of my writing and grab you. Because you too have lost your keys while already running late because instead of showering right away you fuck off on Facebook or watch the next segment of the morning show.
You too have dilly dallied playing music on your iPod, or computer only to look up and you have twenty minutes to get thirty minutes away. You have left your wallet on the table or your lunch on the counter. Your kids (or friends kids) have mutilated most rooms in the house and after cleaning it over and over you have finally given up until they’re 12. You have lost your pet.
You have been in love, and certainly in lust.
You have cried when your loved one died and had no idea when the tears would stop. You too have hurt so deeply from a broken heart.
I have never claimed to be any kind of authority on anything, though I have expertise in the promotions and marketing industry, and once upon a time I thought, like all of you, that I knew so much more that I do today… But I’m still affected by gas hikes, rain storms, house fires, lost luggage, broken dishes after moving, stopped up plumbing, broken appliances, sick animals and babies.
If you haven’t realized it yet I am no body in particular but by being a person among people I can sometimes speak for those who don’t know what to say but definitely feel what it means to live in what writer call the ‘human condition’. I feel too.
This blog post is dedicated to all of you who struggle and make the best out of what life offers you,-even if you made the worst out of it once or twice. This post is dedicated to your soul.
And when I write again I will have something to say or nothing to say but someone out there will get it.
Sometimes I think I’m just writing for myself, and that’s true one one level. But then I realize for some weird reason people are reading this and my hope is that they remember something or someone or forget something or someone, whichever the case may be for just a brief moment. And in that moment they take a little walk with me on my journey and realize everything will be alright. And they get one step closer to that epiphany they too are searching for. You know the one.
The one where everything was alright all along. That’s my life most days. I’m not alone here, I am, however, words on a page. Maybe one day I’ll be your words even when I’m mine.

The Destination

Plans are funny things because every time I make them the universe has other ideas. Every time I think I have a clue about my life and the direction it may go something else steps in and humbles me in such a way that I am reminded that plans are futile.
I rarely plan trips, though I have a destination in mind usually, but not necessarily. I have had the most memorable life experiences just getting in the car and going. I’ve even gone to the bus station and simply picked the next bus by its departure time.
I rarely plan my day, though that’s likely due to my disorganization and refusal to get too ‘stuck’ in one thing or other. Now of course I do plan my work stuff, but I’ve chosen a profession that calls for a large amount of flexibility while staying organized. For someone like me it’s paradise, though there are definite times when “proper planning prevents poor performance”…
I never plan relationships. Let’s face it, I don’t even realize half the time someone is interested in me unless they stick their tongue down my throat or something equivalent. This, however, is and has been a double edged sword at times, I mean, I have ended up in some very interesting situations as a result of the no planning thing. In truth though I don’t really regret any of it/them. It is nice to say that and mean it, haha!
I do like some structure, believe me. I am definitely not some floating flake of a girl wandering from one town to the next, one bed to the next, one life to the next. I am just fascinated with the level at which we humans operate while attempting to contain life. I have three calendars to keep up with things, a smart phone, a journal, a notebook, and many recorded notes to keep track of things in my work and life. I do this because it is imperative I keep up with things and my personal weakness is memory. My attention span is low and truthfully I write this blog because it helps me to focus my thinking for small periods of time and get this nonsense out of my brain to make room for more nonsense. Oh, and and sometimes it’s funny. Even when it’s sad I can always look back a laugh about my process.
In the Divine world I tend to live on the seeking side of spiritual matters. Not that I haven found shat works for me, I have. And for me, planning my entire life takes away from the gifts and experiences I receive when I wander off the beaten path.
And it is good. And most often times brings me to my destination which is inevitably the journey.

These Desires (an essay)

When I think of passion I generally think of someone or something that is driven and involved in their “cause”. I invented a fake company for a color and symbolism project in college called “Passion Inc.” because my color was red. It was either that or something else in the ‘fiery’ department, like hate, which I found at that time to be a less desirable emotion. I think I still feel that way today but I could see the color red in many different aspects, though I still fall back on passion. It is always something that drives me or pushes me away from things in this world.

Passion is Defined a Few Ways:

Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate…

This is the most common usage of the term I think. It’s the compelling part that gets me. I usually have to ask myself in that 2 second conversation in my head, “Does this move me?”, “Does this upset me?”, “Does this allow me to experience something?”, and then I know certainly that whatever it is I am dealing with is something worth looking into, good or bad.
Strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor, ardent love or affection…

Ahh, yes, desire is another way to describe passion. I always think of those trashy romance novels and the hot guy on the cover with his shirt half-open with a title like “The Longest Kiss” or “”Never Say Goodbye To Love” or some cheesy thing like that. What I know today is love is usually generated chemically by pheromones and lust is more the proper term. As the definition states, it is only a ‘feeling’.
Strong sexual desire; lust…

Like I stated in the previous definition, lust is passion. And personally if I am actually lusting for someone, I would definitely prefer a passionate encounter over any other. Sex for me should include passion of some kind, and when it does it is certainly satisfying, and because there is passion present, it becomes a memorable experience, not just sex.
An instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire…

Seems like this list falls into one another. I do like this definition though, because it uses the term “Experience”. Isn’t a passionate experience one that moves a person? Lust and love have one objective whereas integrating an experience in a passionate endeavour helps the experience to be a lasting one.

A strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept, etc: a passion for poetry…

This is the original definition in my head when I was thinking about passion. This is the way things move me. This feeling of affection I have for a concept or object is often the very thing that gets me up and going in my life. There are times when I feel I lose passion and I feel directionless and searching. Usually this passion stems for me, from my spiritual experiences and how my faith, is the thing I want to be most passionate about. Hands down I want my passions to be as intense for my spiritual journey above all else. That is what my reference is to. Passion like no other. THE passion.

Any strongly felt emotion, such as love, hate, envy, etc…

This is a simple and effective definition. A passion is a strongly felt emotion. Not one particular emotion, just one that is strongly felt. This is definitely helpful in th debate in my head that occurs while trying to emphasize passion in regards to love, when in fact I can be incredibly passionate about negative things as well, or even less important issue like the brand of ice cream, or if I have some routine when it comes to brushing my teeth and hair and in what order. These things are very important to some people.

A state or outburst of extreme anger: he flew into a passion…

Rage is another type of passion. Another emotion connected to the intensity that life can bring to us. Hatred and anger and extreme rage sometimes start with a strong belief that some injustice has occurred. It is a travesty, in your mind, and there is a reason to believe it is wrong. And when one is opposed one retaliates. They become angry, and prepare themselves to fight for this passion. Often we call crimes of passion that because it is neither pre meditated nor something that the perpetrator is capable of under normal circumstances. Hateful and enraged passion is deadly, and lacking in all that I personally think of when I think about passion. But it is good to note all the interpretations of the term passion because how else would I find my way if not for walking in another man’s shoes to see how they fit? Passion lies within the heart and soul, and not every soul is seeking a good life filled with the desires I speak of. I think those particular passionate desires come from a person who is looking to sit beneath the throne will a full heart and feeling of joy and love for whatever my desires become. Hateful outbursts are not it. This much I do know.

The object of an intense desire, ardent affection, or enthusiasm…

Nine times out of ten my passions are found in objects, or better yet, people. I am passionate about my daughters, a little about my career, music, and the person in which I engage in “romantic endeavours” with, whenever he appears. Am I passionate to the point o emotional outbursts and lustful thoughts? Sometimes, yes, but again, depends on the people, how they treat me, and how they participate in helping to create a memorable experience.

An outburst expressing intense emotion: he burst into a passion of sobs…

I never would have really considered an outburst passion. Maybe a derivative, but not actual passion. This to me would lie in the action of being passionate. The soul is compelled to react based on the external drive. For me, I am likely going to be passionate about something I already have feelings for, and yes, if I could live my entire existence “not bored” I would not only be inhuman, but I would be very intense. And let’s face it, I think a lot. Can you imagine if I were constantly full of such passion that I had emotional outbursts regularly? They would incarcerate and medicate me. Perhaps this is why I write. Hmmm….

Any state of the mind in which it is affected by something external, such as perception, desire, etc, as contrasted with action…

It seems that most often my passion lies in an external location, like my hobbies, beliefs, spirituality, or desires. I can think and think and think all I want to about the object of my desire, or that which moves me, but when I go into action I am taking that experience which I am driven for into another level of passion. I am fulfilling (taking action) the need for this particular external emotion.

Feelings, desires or emotions, as contrasted with reason…

This one I love because it plainly says “as contrasted with reason” meaning, that often passion has no reason. I realize this is not always the case, but it is nice to know that when I feel passionate about someone or something that reason is irrelevant and likely non-existent. Yes, it seems I can be passionate in an unreasonable way, which is most of the time.

The sufferings and death of a Christian martyr…

Many of us know the expression “The passion of the Christ” made famous by the movie a few years back. Though I never saw that movie, I understand Christ’s passion to save the world and the human race is what brought about great suffering for Him. Most of the time, biblically, passion refers to sin. Flesh, desires, self-seeking instances. In this scenario I believe it refers to suffering with cause. Now I understand that Christ was passionate about giving His life to save the lives of the human race and by this passion something beautiful happened. I am no word historian, nor do I really care to know, but I will say that this is the thing about passion that makes it what it is for so many. Only an act of extreme belief in a cause, experience, person, or in this last case, an entire existence of people, can break so many barriers and often create the most beautiful expressions of love.

So what of these desires of mine?

They exist. The keep my alive, be it art or music or people or even just a certain person. They remind me I am alive, and I can feel. The desires tell me that there is something out there I can look to for motivation, excitement, experience and love. Spiritually passion is suffering for the greater good. Maybe my passions can one day lead me to work intensely for the greatest good of all; the strength to feel the feelings and know that there is something good out there in this world. one passionate experience at a time.

What is your passion?