Barstools And…

I’ll be the first and the last to admit when I don’t know the answers. But man does it take forever to realize its time to ask until I’m on my knees and desperate for a change. Funny thing about life is it keeps going even when I want it to stop.
Perhaps it is the time of the year. Perhaps it is the time in my life. Or maybe I’m just hungry. Who knows why these thoughts creep up when they do.
Looking back at the last year it was definitely a memorable one. Either one I need to remember or one I need to remember to forget. Somewhere in the middle I find myself sitting on a barstool thinking about the cold outside. And how many barstools I’ve sit in in my life.
Enter deep thought provoking music, loud girl down the bar, loner dude sitting at a two top in the corner, snarky but lovable bartender and then it all rolls into one.
One bar is like every bar. One guy in every place finding their way. One girl who hates to go home to her empty apartment because it just a little too quiet on the cold winter nights.
And one existence my entire adult life that I have grown so fond of, yet loathed all at once. Or I used to loathe it.
After a series of unfortunate events I find myself embracing the life I have chosen because I’m comfortable in my skin today. Or maybe just less uncomfortable.
And then the song changes, and another deep thought evokes another person’s insightful bliss or disdain from another barstool in another town on another day.
There is always going to be another day to regret life’s choices but there may not be another day to embrace them. And somewhere out there is someone searching on their knees for something they may never find. And the beat does in fact go on.

Pangs of Sadness…

While looking up at the sky tonight I had a moment of reflection. The sky was incredibly clear for some reason as I was standing outside the city and quite surprised at how much I could see. The stars were the same as they were every other time I looked up all these years. They were the same stars the last time I sat there and reflected on decisions and consequences and heartache and even some joy. Though the joy was not the focal point this particular moment…
Tears began to stream and I asked whatever it is up there to never leave me. I asked it/him/them to hold my hand. I became sad. Very, very distraught. Lamenting even. And it had been quite some time since I had felt a sorrow that deeply and though for just a few minutes its affects were profound.
Orion was bright and crisp and it shined like it did all these years and then I realized that it was likely going to shine for me for the rest of my life.
I talk to him every winter, Orion. I speak to him as if he were my friend and my confidant. Every night when I come home I see him sitting in the sky exactly where he should be, watching. A constant I have come to rely upon. -because the earth moves. The world in which I live is the thing that moves.
I ask to hold his hand and help me get through the night/hour/moment…and I cry to him. I am unmasked briefly by his presence. And then when I feel my tears roll down my cheeks to my chin then on to my chest I stop. I don’t know why. The silence is never quiet. But it is strong. And it is a force to be reckoned with.
Lamenting. Still. Here I sit and I know it is only temporary and because I accept that, it will not last. And I write this now because I feel this. I feel the hurt and pain he felt and the loneliness you all have felt. I know who I am…because I see myself in you. And in him.
And we will all carry on. And if I have to cry every night until spring then so be it. After all, how else can a living creature grow without a little rain before the sun?
Orion reminds me of a lot of things, but most of all it reminds me of the constant I so desire and my faith can be restored in man when I see the strength in Orion. Belt or no belt, the strength I require is as close as I want it to be. As close as I need it to be. As close as I can handle it.

Anyone Can Have a Baby…

It’s not what you want. It is never how you dreamed it would be. If you ever dreamed it at all. I would not have agreed to this if I were sane enough to agree to anything.
I’m a mediocre parent. I’m marginal at best in the patience department. It might sound harsh if I didn’t know every single person who has children hasn’t gone through that same thought.
Some of it is unfounded and a matter of opinion. Some of it can be prettied up with fancy words and adjectives.
Most of it is what it is.
I will never be Donna Reed.
I don’t try to be.
But I suck at this game for sure.
The rules change too fast. My mind changes even faster. My body is different. My priorities are different. My thinking is different.
The fucking sky is different.
There’s no turning back now. The hands of time have back handed me.
I guess for some people they dream of the day they have kids and make families and whatnot, and me? Well, it never occurred to me to have or want children.
They are sticky first and foremost. They smell. They yell for no reason, along with all the other reasons they actually do yell. The break stuff, paint on the walls, cut their own hair, draw on themselves, make major messes, and it seems I have never told another human being to wipe their ass with toilet paper more times than I have in the last 8 years.
Parenting is not the beginning of your life, it’s the end of a clean car, the end of nights off, the end of quiet and the beginning of a downward spiral in to the abyss known as “old age”.
With all that said I still make them breakfast and wash their clothes and tuck them in and read them stories and answer questions like “Mommy, why do grown ups use the ‘d’ word a lot?” and “Mommy why can’t I have marshmallows for lunch?” and “Mommy did you have color television in the ‘olden times’?” and I tell them the truth. A kid version mind you, but the truth. I’m blessed and cursed, they are brilliant. It really annoys me when they catch the sarcasm and dish it back. But secretly I laugh.
And my life is totally different. And they are a handful. But some days they act right and are kind and loving and treat each other with love and respect. And some times they show me how to love as well. Will I be happy when they’re out of the house? Probably a little. But I’ll be even happier if they stay healthy enough to make it out there.
I do love those little sticky mongrolitic parasites, I really do. But I never would have guessed I could even last 8 years. Wish me luck in the next 8.

5 Things I Think About…

1) It really is all about how you look…

Think about it. The image you put out in to the universe will always come back to you and either a)bite you in the ass, or b)bring incredible success. I find that if I am as upfront and realistic as possible while holding my head high in business as well as personally and giving my all, then it doesn’t matter what I “feel”, the universe will make the best of every situation.

Today I don’t have to play the “acting as if” game as often, but you better believe if I don’t know how to do it, I am gonna find out how before anyone even thinks otherwise. Which they won’t, because I am that much of a ninja.

2) Don’t be an idiot….

Often I see people who say and do the most asinine things in life. For no reason. Posting drunken debaucherous FB pictures and letting the world see them, posting pictures of pot leaves/drug paraphanelia on their blogs, yelling at people online (God forbid anyone say anything to anyone’s faces anymore), forgetting their audience altogether while losing their ability to have a filter. C’mon people, grow up a little. (That means you Mr. 30/40 something stoner dude with no sense of decency even though your mama did raise you better, sheesh).

3) Don’t give up…..

There are a lot of people in a bad economic situation right now and it is definitely rough out there. In my state we have one of the highest unemployment rates in the United States and I can see why people are feeling scared, nervous, and stressed about their futures.

But remember… you can do anything you set your mind to. Period. End of story. Just try to remain open-minded, think outside of the box, and have a little faith that everything will actually work out.

It may not have the color bow you thought on the package but the gift is just the same.

4) Gratitude will keep you humble…..

Practically every day I am reminded of the things I have in my life, and by being reminded (I try to make a mental list as often as possible and one on paper here and there). And I am not talking about financial blessings or stuff or any material wealth. I am talking about having the ability to live above ground currently, health, a healthy family, a connection with something greater than myself (God, Universe, etc…), the ease of the morning commute, my dogs who love me, doing what I love to do in life, and for all of this I am grateful.

And that attitude spills over in to other arenas in my life which then lead to financial success and material wealth (if that’s what I am looking for).

Gratitude is simple, humility is the side effect. It is not an absolute, it is earned through positivity.

5) The Nation is changing. So what?….

Ok people, it is important that all of us take a quick look in to our Nation’s history to realize and embrace the changes that are happening. If we do not change we will not grow. Whatever political viewpoint you have or socioeconomic status, all of that is irrelevant when it comes to accepting the only constant in the Universe is change.

I have not once completely agreed with every stance an elected official has had while in office working for me in my government. And well, I am still here, still working one day at a time, and doing something with my life.

If you can’t roll with whatever the punches disguise themselves to be at any given time, you will fall. And complaining about a 1% or 99% or our president or the blurred lines of every protest in our nation’s history will get you nowhere. Passion is part of what it means to be American. Thank God for that passion. The solution lies within for those who go without.

What you will be is out of gratitude, losing faith, being an idiot, and not being able to even look yourself in the mirror without seeing an unrecognizeable reflection. Simple solutions for daily living.

Bottom Line: Chill out. You’ll live longer, and be able to say “I remember when…” and those memories will drive the passions of every generation to come. At least that’s what I think my Grandpa (who is 91) means when he says “That tattoo is ugly and you look like you’re a hippie biker smokin’ rope (yes, as in hemp).” or “This meat is too tough(Though he says that about EVERY single meat).” or “Awww hell, I don’t want nothin.”

-Which is how it eventually ends up.

Love is Not a Battlefield, It’s a Casino

As I could go on for days about the intricate inner workings of the term “relationship” and the bastardization of this term that occurs in our culture, based solely on a person’s own self centered needs at any given time or location, I will not.
I could talk about how people pretend to want less or more from someone else depending on their own personal gain. Again, at any given time in said person’s current state of self seeking situation.
I could even talk about things like “casual sex” or “meaningless sex” or “hanging out”. Or any similar term used to describe whatever act two people choose to engage in at any given time in their personal self seeking situation.
I could talk about how it is impossible for a person to go on for more than a short period of time engaging in relationships based solely on sex without one or both parties being affected.
I could discuss possible ways for this type of behavior to last but it seems there might be a lot of eventual soul killing. The kind that dies in the strip club. Or the dive bar. It’s the kind of soul killing that occurs after copious amounts of drugs are ingested. Or when repeated demoralization occurs within the the psyche.
I could talk about how a true partnership begins and ends with honesty. Ahhh, but this is a contradiction to some, as it is in fact possible to be in an honest casual relationship. Isn’t it?
Where does love play a role? Is it love for one’s self or love for another? Or both?
And where is the line, and how does one know when it has crossed? Is that the point that many of us step back and draw another line? This is the point where one decides to be okay with things they are not okay with. We like to pretty it up and call it compromise.
This is the part where the boundary line ends and the compromise line begins. Such a nice way to say “no wait, I don’t want to be alone so I guess you can do “X”. I’ll be okay with it”.
But many people are not okay and they hold on to that later for fuel. Ammo, facts.
Ahhh relationships. So much fun they are. Where you cannot decide where to begin and end with anything and nothing starts and everything finishes and there is no one to blame but you.
The moral of this story? Well, it’s probably that most of us have fewer morals than we want to admit. And until we do, we will have even fewer.
My two cents. However faulty.