A Writer Who Forgot How To Well, Write Maybe Not How To, But Why

Coffee talk chatterer: So what do you do?

Me: Me? I am writer.

Coffee person: Oh That’s great! What do you write?

Mw: I write web content, ad copy, I am writing a couple of novels and even a script.

Coffee guy: What have I seen you do?

Me: Well, there’s this thing, and that thing oh and this other thing. And then there’s is the blog I contribute to. And the press releases for al the companies I work for and with. Blah Blah Blah…

But here’s the thing: I am not really writing like I used to. I have been lacking the determination and drive that I am all to used to living with and frankly, I have been a little down. And when I am down, I become quiet. An unnatural state for a person like me. And yet, I found myself letting the world get me down. I began to let the things and people around me dictate how I viewed myself. It had been several years since that happened. Decades almost. I found my voice a while ago and it was being fed. Until recently.

And that was no one’s choice but my own. I began to let my life become what the world decided it would be instead of making my voice heard like the communicator I am gifted to be. You see, I want to make a difference. I want to share the good things and explore the weird worlds that exists and understand people and ideas and cultures that exist all around us. I want to write about them so that you too can begin to appreciate the wonderful world we live in like I have.

I write to share the things in everyday life that are overlooked or looked at with fear and ignorance.

Or with love and enlightenment, whichever happens at the time of inception, as both are beautiful when you look at them in the right way.

Perception is a motivator and it is a killer. Perception is an illusion most of the time, even when we swear we saw what we did and most often perception is filled with lies and mistaken accounts or facts that have become distorted over time and through the eyes and (needs) of the viewer. Perception is a valuable and ludicrous tool we humans have to change and imagine the truth as we see it, even if we are dead wrong.

I have written for non-profits. I have written to inform and to enlighten and to express the views of my client or employer. I have written for my own personal enjoyment and to remember life in the past. I write to eat. I write to love and to share. And lately, I have been either on a massive roll and writing paragraph after stinking paragraph of various projects I started years ago, or I have become blocked.

Lazy, or sometimes afraid of what the world will think.

That is definitely not my state of being. Nor has it been for longer than I can remember. I found my voice and I embraced it a while ago…and yet, I feel unfulfilled. What on earth does any of it mean? I am writing this post to try to find out. Maybe you can help. Maybe you can see something I cannot, or will not. Perception…

For the longest time all I have ever wanted to do was be a writer. But when it came down to it, I sometime can become apathetic, I usually post aimless Facebook posts, often with an attempt at the clever or witty. I believe anyway. I might comment on a friend’s posts. Occasionally I will tweet and pin, post, comment and of course blog. Only to do so out of obligation.

But what for?

What does it all mean? Honestly, at this point I figure if I keep trying to find out the answer to this question, for me, that is, then maybe I will. Maybe I will be enlightened and some epiphany will occur and I will find the answers to every real deep and profound question I have ever asked myself.

Somehow I doubt it. And maybe that is the answer.

But I did learn something recently about myself.

I do still care.

I still want to share with the world. And I have a lot to say. I say the things you think and the things you are sometimes afraid to admit. I say what you wish you could. I am the voice of a generation that learned how to “blog” with a notebook.

I am the voice of the cynical poet and the wordy songwriter.

I am the voice of the mother and the sister and the child. I too am afraid sometimes. I am angry sometimes. I am also an asshole at times and I am okay with that today. I am okay with not pleasing everyone. I am okay with instilling a little fear along with a little hope.

I am the voice of a culture of people who finally stopped giving a shit and began to be who and whatever they were gonna be without concern of the repercussions of their parents or authority figures or society as a whole.

I am old enough to know better but young enough to get away with things.

But no, I shouldn’t wear certain outfits anymore. I really don’t care about what so and so is doing dating what’s-his-face. And if I want to stay in on a Friday night, well, I am finally not worried about what I might be missing. As a thirty something I have lived long enough to make a lot of mistakes and somehow survive them all up to this exact moment. But statistically I have a lot of life left and I am finally okay with doing things however I need to in order to live a good life and love what I do. No matter how far from the current trends I may fall.

In other words, I just don’t give a shit about what you think. I really don’t. I used to say stuff like that to seem cool or mature. I used to hide behind my fear of letting you see me as vulnerable. but it was mostly an all out lie.

Old habits die hard, but what kills me the fastest is shutting hope and love out of my life just because I am afraid….

I cared so much.

When I was young and had less practice being a selfish ass hole, I secretly needed you to like and accept me, even though I couldn’t do it, it was imperative that you did.

How fucked up is that?

Looking back (we are talking decades at this point) I laugh at most of the things I did wrong, if in fact they were ever really “wrong” at all. But today I am just too freakin’ exhausted to care like that anymore. Is this how it is now? I hope so.

I have spent the last little while searching for my voice.

Except I forgot to speak.

And it turns out I didn’t have to go very far to find it. I just had to be tired enough of what I was doing.

Then and only then could I see things for what they really are. And be ok with it. Truly and sincerely.

Perception is amazing because it is so unique to each of us. Yet the commonality is that if I am lucky enough to feel things in life that force me to take a look at my own perception, then I am truly blessed.

It is in struggle I find the path of least resistance. It is in controversy that I find the common ground. It is through the chaos that I find the calm waters ahead. 

Without these strifes I become narrow in my thoughts and when my vision is short and tunneled I never get to see the sun because I never look above the ground.

Perceptions are a real bitch sometimes.

In Business Life & Real Life (Mine Seem To Intertwine)

Relationship builder and trustworthy and innovative event producer and marketing manager with extensive knowledge and experience in bringing traditional pr, advertising and marketing concepts into today’s new media with effective and lasting results through creativity and imagination with the clients specific needs and desires in mind from the very first meeting to the very first and certainly not the last successful campaign. All the while maintaining the integrity of the company I work for and using real time tools and technologies to satisfy even the most reluctant and stubborn client. no matter what decade they are most comfortable in, be it today with the “insta selfie book blogger face snap talk” app, or the old school CEO who is really good at his job but doesn’t have time (or the desire) to learn about the new world of social media, he just knows it makes money so he needs to really trust his event marketing management company and believe that they really are looking out for his best interests. That’s me, I like them all and I can find a way to make them all feel like they matter more than anyone else. Because when they are in front of me…they truly do. I am a leader who follows, and grand setter who adapts, a techie without cable tv. I am the quintessential comforter who is also a closer. Meet me once and you too will want me on your team. Why? Because I really do care. I am sincere. I am interested in your needs and I will go the extra mile for the person who is paying me to do so. And it’s funny, because you’d think, or I would think, that everyone would be like that. But I am. I live it.  I am a great person to have on staff because I will find out what makes the client tick. What matters to them most and why. I will listen intently and remember their birthday (I dunno, that one’s a gift). I will know more about the client in one hour than most people know about their significant other in 6 months, and there will be no hanky-panky involved…well, usually, ha! I did some work for a boyfriend once. Don’t have a clue if he used it, but It was like pulling teeth to get him to do his part. He had no idea how much people paid me, and others like myself to do the work for his small business that he was getting for free. That my friends, among about 12 other reasons is why he is no longer on significant other. But I digress.

I am a genuine, sincere, real and decent person who is willing to work late and on weekends. I am willing to clean up after a messy event and a messy co worker. I am willing to call the plumber, or the sign maker. I am willing to step in and make the place better in some way. Because I care. I truly care about people.  Even that boyfriend… let me tell you I was working a full time job picking up small gigs like his on the side, and he was never grateful. He was almost belligerent about the amount of work I put in to his company. Indifferent even. I had never experienced that before in business to be honest because I am not lying folks, I am that good at helping people be better in their businesses, ha! So it was beyond me how anyone could go through all the normal requests for info, branding questionnaires that are essential tailored to fit each client’s type of business, including his, and he couldn’t even finish the work he needed to put into the plan, like every other client I had ever had, you know? Like what do you do? Why do you do it? What is your ideal image, if any? Why do you do what you do? Why do you like it? Etc… Every single client I had ever had was very quick to respond passionately, and thoughtfully except the boyfriend. It was as if his passion, and he was definitely passionate about his chosen profession, and damned good at it, but it was non existent when it came down to telling me, his “not so significant” significant other, anything really in depth. See I am deep. People hate that. But business people love it, So much for digression, eh? 😉

But seriously, because I am thoughtful, meaning, full of thought. The client has my attention all the time weather they know it or not. And this is how I live in most ways of life. At least that’s what I want to always be like.  Any company or business that hires me will get so much more than an employee. They will get a friend. And when you are surrounded by people that care about you and your well being like a friend, you will be exponentially more successful in business, and in life. 

This is one of my favorite posts.

liz writes stuff

So everytime I think I have it figured out something comes along and changes that. It is a daily struggle for me to know which things are priority and which things are simply “what Liz wants to do” Am I alone in this thinking? I think not.

There are constants however that I remain steadfast in and some of my convictions are based solely on experience and experience alone.

Here is a list of 10 things I believe whole heartedly. Let’s see if you agree….

1.)Pain is necessary. -I tend not to learn when things don’t bother me. (I’m twisted, but you’re reading this so…)

2.)The Power of touch is one of the strongest powers available. -There is nothing quite like someone reaching out their hand to grab yours or a hug. There are no words to describe what that can do for a person sometimes.

3.)When…

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Let’s Try This Again…

Oh hey, it’s me. You know, Liz, girl who is usually happy to see you? And happier to chat about anything and everything. The girl who likes to be friendly, and caring, well, just because it’s easier that way. You know, flies and honey and what not.

It’s been a while and I have some shit to say.

Listen or not, but it’s time again to be me. Or whatever version of me is happening to evolve this time around.

I’m sure you have NO idea about this concept, (sarcasm) but sometimes I don’t know what the next right thing to do is.

If anyone would have told me that life would be this insane at 36 (yup, I said it outloud),  I think I would have stayed secluded in the mountains for the rest of my life. And I think about doing that again every day, anyway actually. The world is a crazy weird place, and being responsible for children (and myself) seems so very difficult right now. If it weren’t for my family and friends, I’d be more lost than I am.

And I am a little lost.

Sometimes I am reluctant to tell the truth about how I feel on ‘ye olde interwebs’ because I don’t want to make too many waves (or some stupid sh*t like that). As if people give a sh*t about what lil ol me says…But the truth about me is what makes it an interesting read. At least I have been told that. I consider it a compliment. And usually I am kinda witty, funny even, but right now I am taking the line of truth. A little raw. Still a little reserved, but just you wait. I’m getting back to saying things as I see them, like how I actually see them.

I am on a path that knows few bounds. I will be just fine.

So through a series  of unfortunate events, bad decisions, accidental opportunities, and just plain accidents, I have come to this place. Right here. Right now. This place is a little scary. It is a little dark. But I have weathered worse. I think. Well, I have weathered different.

I am having to make some big ish changes in my life due to those decisions, as well as things beyond my control that have occurred in the recent past. I have to roll with it. I have to be realistic. I suck at being realistic. I am a dreamer, and I am quite good at it. I have many gifts- of gab, and positivity, and I see solutions almost easier than I see obstacles. I am one of the lucky ones, as life usually comes very easy for me to navigate. And when I struggle, I create another way. Every time (so far). Though I didn’t say my chosen paths were always the best ways, but I am still here. For now…

This post is about that. Continuing to find ways to be happy, healthy, and free to be creative in a world where the only things stopping me is, well, me.

I am not afraid of much. But there is an element of fear right now that is being harnessed.

Stand by- things will be getting interesting. As if they aren’t right now.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for giving a shit.

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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Texas Last Winter….

I haven’t been writing. I’ve had so much to say but for the first time in maybe forever, I haven’t been sure where to start. As a writer I find that I succeed when I am given a task. An assignment, a purpose. And when I am feeling creative and the words flow from me I can’t seem to stop writing. Lately I haven’t known what to say. So I’ve been silent. This can be deadly for a writer.
But a funny thing happened on the way to Texas last winter. Well- while I was there. See, my house burned down in the perfect cliche manner right before Christmas. December 22, to be exact. Really it burned out. It was a nice brick home, and only the downstairs was burned out. Upstairs though, was smoke ridden, everything was damaged by that nasty smoke. And of course, the damage done by the emergency crew. Bless their hearts, I am beginning to think firefighters enjoy breaking stuff. But it didn’t matter. Very little of my possessions made it out, I lived in the basement part of the home. We lost two pets, and had to put a third one down shortly after due to the anxiety and stress the fire caused, on top of that he was old and had something called Cushing’s Disease, a generally treatable problem unless the pet is older, and the treatments usually cause more pain that help. He was 11. My first kid. One of the most obnoxious mutts in the world, but to me he was my little Buddy. Living with one dog (also old) in an apartment, which is where we ended up, is probably best. Four pets in this tiny place would not be good for them or us.
The cool thing was that a lot of people came out to help me, and it was really weird at first, my ego was in it, until I started spending money on soap, and socks, and shoes, and a myriad of other things I once took for granted, and most definitely didn’t buy all at once.
And though I lived in a hotel with two children and two dogs (before Buddy had to be put down) They (the kids) were surprisingly ok about it. My daughters are probably some of the most easy going kids you might ever come across, though we have not yet hit middle school, so I am trying to remember how sweet and cool they have been through their entire lives changing. I have tried to keep things “normal” for them, though it has taken a toll on me.
Fast forward a couple of months and there is so much I haven’t done yet, getting new paperwork, social security cards, changes everywhere.